I often have a hard time keeping up with my “blog,” despite the fact that I consistently have numerous things to talk/write about.
Motivation, circumstance, health, my chaotic life…it all muddles me up and I find myself lost in the subjects that plague me internally. When really, I would much rather express it all in every which place I can.
Here’s the list of my current woes, if you will: my past trauma has decided to attack me full throttle. My entire family is estranged and or abusive. My husband is transgender and I didn’t know until after our wedding. Over the last two years I lost three of my best friends. I’m recently unemployed. Overwhelmed yet?
I’m fucking overwhelmed. I’m upset and can’t tell which terrible thing that’s specifically causing those feelings at any given moment. It’s ludicrous. I’m 28 years old and here I am.
Meanwhile, I’m a writer, poet and artist desperately reaching for their dreams from inside of an actual gutter. This gutter being my waking life circumstance.
Here I am at 3:30AM, wishing I knew where the hell my mind was and how to make this mess a prom dress. Make my daydreams scenes on screens and my bad thoughts Ted Talks. I want my trauma turned Oscar winning drama. I was my abuse to become of any use. Set my poetry free and get my life on DVD.
AVIATION HAS ALWAYS NEVER BEEN A PASSION OF MINE.
All this SHIT going on is flipping turning me inside, over and out.